Forget the pop psychology and just find someone nice (Chapter 18)

I’m not sure what men are including in their profiles, but I can tell you from looking at an endless stream of women’s profiles that there are enough amateur psychologists out there to find me, no matter how far back in my mind I hide.

You won’t have to search too many women’s profiles to hear about what their love language is (i.e., words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, etc.) and what they’re seeking. (I can give women a hint about men… their love language is physical touch… every one of ‘em.)

They’re going to want to know that you’ve got a “secure” attachment style (though they may be able to tolerate your “anxious” attachment style).

Aligning values? There’s an entire worksheet for that. Too much for a dating profile’s character limitations. But you’re going to have to get past the “non-negotiables” or “deal-breakers.”

If you are seeking a female partner, be prepared to discuss your emotional triggers and trauma responses. But probably only after you’ve established if your INTP goes with her ENFJ.

Are you emotionally available? Unavailable? Avoiding vulnerability? This could be the difference between simply “chemistry” and “commitment.”

Do you fashion yourself a “caretaker?” Perhaps a “fixer?” The last thing we need is a “savior,” so I hope that’s not you.

What are your conflict resolution styles? Avoidant? Collaborating? Compromising? Look, man. I’m just trying to figure out how we’re going to deal with recurring arguments.

Some of this has more grounding in established, credible psychological theory (like conflict resolution styles) than the rest (like love languages). But all of it serves the same purpose: To try and put everyone in a box or category rather than actually getting to know anyone.

Our culture has gotten very lazy in replacing deep dives and introspection with pop-psychology labels of undiagnosed maladies and conditions. Women, and men, too, are talking about their self-diagnosed ADHD, attraction to “neurodivergence,” making sure you’ve “done the work,” referring to boredom as “depression,” and attraction to “emotional intelligence.”

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a match who will tell you how their former spouse or partner was a “narcissist,” even though only 0.5-1% of the population is diagnosable as one. I’d say an estimate of 15%-20% of the women I’ve met on a date described their ex as a narcissist. It’s usually a retroactive diagnosis that involves them reviewing their entire relationship. 

All the narcissism diagnosis tells me is that they’ve not taken any responsibility for their role in the relationship, and that I stand a good chance of earning that label at some point in the future when we’ve broken up.

In the end, the entire societal trend toward everyone acting as their own amateur psychologist is only contributing to the mental health crisis. And in dating, I see it as just another tool for weeding out potential bad mates down the line. 

Plus, I just think it’s lazy. We’re all trying to put each other into some nicely categorized box– stripping away any individuality or interesting personality characteristics in exchange for an easy “yes” or “no” on whether or not this person is the right one. It saves the time of getting to know what it is that makes them interesting and special–even if they’re not ultimately the right person for you.

Instead of putting everyone into boxes or subjecting them to your checklist of non-negotiables or deal-breakers, why don’t we all just try to be nice to each other and see what happens? What if we all just put our best foot forward as often as we can and see if a nice little sustainable relationship buds and grows with someone equally nice? 

I’m not sure what magic we’re all trying to find. We’ve all got baggage, quirks, ticks, oddities, tastes, rules, guidelines, perspectives, and proclivities that make us unique. And no two of us will ever line up perfectly. Instead of putting someone in a box, just try enjoying them for who they are and see if there isn’t a nice little match there. If not, try it again until you’ve honed in on just the right person for you.