Endless swiping: Always seeking something better (Chapter 33)

I don’t think it’s much of a secret that every app is designed to do two things: 1) collect as much data about you as possible, and 2) keep you using the app as much as possible by using the data collected about you… so it can collect more data about you. Oh, and make money off what they hope will be an endless pursuit of love (or just getting some). 

While you may be using a dating app with clear and focused attention on meeting the love of your life (or just getting some), never forget the fact that if the apps can learn about you, manipulate you, and take your money, they will. They’re not rooting for you.

This is, of course, true of most of the apps you use. Everything you do on your phone is recorded and transmitted, revealing your user behavior, preferences, and actions to a third party who will use that to manipulate you into doing whatever it is  they want.

But the repetitive nature of the mechanics of the dating apps–scrolling, swiping, dismissing, “liking,”–trains you to connect the fantasies you tell yourself when you see a nice-looking person, or your rationalizations for the dismissals, to the user experience of the app. When combining the two, it encourages you to crave the behavior possibly more than the pursuit.

One of the unfortunate results is that even when you might meet or find someone who you’re enjoying getting to know, you can’t help but crave the feeling you get when pursuing someone on the apps. Whereas if you had met someone organically and were able to focus on them, apps give you a devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear that they may be fine, but there may be someone who’s perfect for you just a swipe away. 

Because you’re seeing selections in the context of other selections, it begins to feel like shopping, where you think if you keep shopping, you may find something–or someone–more perfect. This is made worse by another behavior introduced by the apps–making checklists.

With the apps introducing and categorizing everything, it trains us to start creating a sort of “green flag” and “red flag” checklist. And while no one is going to match any checklist perfectly, you may feel like the person you’re with checks seven out of the ten things on your checklist, and you could find someone who checks eight… or more, if you just keep searching.

When we used to meet organically, it was by chance, and there wasn’t a virtual line of possibilities waiting in the wings to compare a person against. But the apps have created the sensation that better is always possible.

If you are fortunate enough to match with someone who looks interesting and would like to meet, may I suggest focusing on that person and hiding the apps until you’ve determined, with certainty, that person is not “the one.”